Early April 2023

Life and death. Endings and new beginnings. These are the things on my mind recently. My dad, work, classmates, friends, and so much more.

March 27th was my dad’s birthday and he would have been 70 years old. A lady who knew him when he worked reached out because she didn’t know he’d passed. She wanted to wish him a happy birthday on FB but reached out to me to share her condolences and to share some thoughts and memories. It was sweet. This was the 3rd year without him here, it hit a little harder this time.

On April 1, the agency I’ve been working at for a little over 6 years merged with another. What we do won’t change too much, but our name did.

Yesterday, April 4, was my spiritual birthday. On 4/4/99, Easter, I gave Lordship over my life to Jesus. 24 years. Wow!

A classmate from high school died and his funeral was today. We weren’t close, but found we had a number of connections. His son’s babysitter/homeschool teacher is one of my best friends. She had connected with the boy’s mom and at some point the dots connected when he came to church.

Tonight I celebrated with friends (mostly new acquaintances really) over a Seder (Passover) meal. During our conversations, we discovered how far back some of our connections go. 20+ years, through four churches, multiple ministries, and just life connect us.

St Louis is major city, but can seem so small at times.

We come across so many people throughout our lives. Some pop in and out, some are a one time thing, some for seasons, few for the long haul. But they all make a mark in some way or another. Guess I’m just having a season of reflection and seeing how God connects everything. So cool.

Other than all that… I’ve lost 70+ pounds in the past year! My mental/self body image is still catching up, but I do feel so much better. As a ‘reward’ I joined Planet Fitness, and plan to get that in my routine very soon. Would have today, but funeral and all.

I used to write here about my mental health a lot more. I miss that. Partly because, at first, this was such an anonymous platform but I slowly lost that. Then there’s the bigger reason… the relationship I was in. I cut ties 3 years ago, completely as far as I could. But I knew my blog was still public. I didn’t want anything getting back to him. I became a shell of myself in a way, I didn’t speak my mind or felt I couldn’t express myself fully. All honesty, there was gaslighting and narcissism on his end and, with me being an empath, I lost myself. Being an empath, for me, means I absorb the feelings and mindsets of those around me and have this innate desire to fix people. Or at least make them happy. Ever heard the parable of the frog in the pot on the stove? The frog won’t notice the temperature of the water rising and will eventually boil alive because it didn’t know to jump out. I’ve experienced this in many areas of my life, namely relationships and ministries. I get so invested and loyal that I miss warning signs, then after the environment becomes so awfully toxic that it dies, so does a part of me. I look back and wonder what I did wrong or how I could have saved it all.

After some time removed from the situation I will start to heal and grow stronger. I see now some of the essential lessons I’ve learned and am even able to minister and relate to others facing the same struggles. While I wouldn’t sign up to knowingly go back through those toxic seasons, and occasionally am plagued by regrets, I know God works all things out. There are times when I look back and feel I lost years of my life. Really, like the relationship sucked 4 years from my timeline and I don’t recognize the person I was then.

Now, with my solid foundation of God and His Word, the structures in my life are being rebuilt. I’m having to relearn who I am. I know my name and stuff like that, duh, but what makes me, me? Who did God design me to be? Not what am I supposed to do, but if asked to speak my mind and be authentic, who is that?

Gut honest, and I even have hard times admitting this to myself and God, I want a husband. A life partner to cheer on and be cheered by. A Godly man to grow in Jesus with. I struggle with this with because I think I need God to be enough in all areas. And He is, but He still designed mankind to not be alone. I don’t want to be married just to be married and I won’t put my life on hold in waiting. I want someone’s path in life to come along side of mine. Maybe more on that at a later time.

Spring, Easter, Resurrection Sunday: these are great times of renewal and rebirth. I’m excited to see what will start blooming in my life soon.