It’s Valentine’s Day. I know I’ve gotten a little introspective in past years
Wait, who am I kidding? I’m introspective all the time!
It really can get kind of dark in my mind sometimes. Over-thinking, introspective, introvert, and not sure how to express feelings. But at the same time, if you give me your ear and I want to build a friendship with you, I’m an open book. Er, mostly open, sorta.
I really haven’t been as open here as I used to be. Maybe I’m feeling more guarded? Maybe too many people close to me read this? It no longer has the feeling on autonomy? A person I know and talk to and see could actually read something here, see me and actually ask about what I wrote. Then it gets real. I’m not just venting thoughts, I have to deal with them.
Not that it’s a bad thing, just makes me feel more vulnerable.
Maybe it’s the new church and all the new potential friends. People who haven’t shared life events with me yet. We haven’t gone through anything yet. I haven’t seen them fall. They haven’t seen me fall. Just hear the stories of how I got back up and haven’t seen all the pain and tears.
There’s actually something comforting being with people who have gone through it with you. You don’t have to explain why you do things or feel things. Or what lead to this decision or that. They already know. and if they are true friends, know your heart and love you regardless of what’s happened.
There’s a lot of grace in this new place, please don’t get me wrong. We’re human and we know it. We all fall and make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we’re any less worthy of love.
Maybe I’m having a hard time with trust.
Not sure where that thought came from, but there it is.
Trust people? To a point, but we all disappoint each other at some point. Trust myself? Ugh. Not so much, honestly. I know my thoughts and I know my temptations. I know how easily I can be one decision from utter failure or making a huge mistake.
Trust God? Usually. But there are areas that I am disappointed in, frankly. I know the Scriptures, He’s for me, has a great plan, etc., etc. Just because I can quote them, doesn’t mean I’m feeling them. Areas that I know He’s working out and in the light of eternity won’t really matter. But, the sting in my heart is still there. The wondering of why? Am I doing something wrong? What’s wrong with me?
Shhh, child. You are deeply and wonderfully loved and accepted. Worthy of My love because of what I did for you. Trust me. You are cherished more than you could possibly know or comprehend. I long to hold you in My arms on the other side of this veil. In due time, but you have things to do here first. Accept My love, soak it in, relish in it. Then give it to others. Show them that you are loved and cherished. Show them how much I love you. Be an example of that love. Not just by giving that love to others but accepting it for yourself. If you want others to know I love them, you have to know it for yourself first. You are cleansed in the blood of the Lamb. Nothing can change that. I am your groom for eternity. Let me love you. I’m not out to get you, I’m not waiting for you to mess up something so I can shun you. Remain in Me, don’t forget your first love: Me. Let Me love you. It’s not just for others, but it’s for you. Now. Here. Forever. I moved Heaven and Earth to spend eternity with you, that’s how much I want you to be with Me. If you need to change something, I’m completely capable of letting you know and helping you change. No punishment. I have things in mind for you that you cannot possibly begin to imagine. They are good plans. stop worrying.
OK, wow! That literally just came to me. I was just writing what I was hearing Him say to my heart. Just now. In the real (is that a phrase? If not, it should be) I could just cry with joy and from the warmth. But, I actually need to get back to work.
On that note, thanks for listening. Will talk again soon.