It feels unreal, but I weigh less than my driver’s license says! Really battling the mental side of all this. I’ve lost almost 40 pounds in 6 weeks! While I’m super excited and impressed on one hand, the other hand is the emotional self-identity that doesn’t believe anything has changed. Or if it has, will I be able to keep this off and stay healthy? I’ve bought some healthy foods to replace things that I want/need to cut back on, but I legit crave some good mac & cheese (like Chik-fil-a good) with a chocolate covered, gooey butter infused, thick and creamy cheesecake for dessert! Oh, and some frozen custard with Reese’s Pieces… Ugh! I know, I know, moderation! oh, and donuts, chimichangas, and fried chicken!
I digress
If you’ve never struggled with your body image, it’s hard to explain. There’s a fancy psychological term body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). mayoclinic.org says, “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others…” bddfoundation.org describes it as, “As well as excessive self-consciousness, individuals with BDD often feel defined by their flaw. They often experience an image of their perceived defect associated with memories, emotions and bodily sensations – as if seeing the flaw through the eyes of an onlooker, even though what they ‘see’ may be very different to their appearance observed by others.” BDD is closely related to eating disorders. bddfoundation.org explains, “The main difference between eating disorders and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is someone with an eating disorder is worried about their body weight and shape, which lead to behaviours that are aimed at trying to lose or control weight.” A combination of the two is not unheard of and there’s not really a “cure” per se. Therapy is really the only way to work through it, be it with a LPC, pastor, talking with supportive friends, journaling, prayer, or a good combination of all the above. Depression is more of a symptom rather than a cause, but treatment for depression is not something to dismiss. Not only do I overthink the appearance of fat, but I’ve binged & purged and had anorexic tendencies.
All of that to attempt to explain what I’m dealing with. I know who I am in Christ, that this body is temporary, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” etc. Get down to it, I don’t think I’m unattractive. It’s more of a feeling of shame – shame of the perceived laziness it takes to become obese. Is this cause the only truth? God no! My intellect knows there are sooooooo many factors, but… my experiences and emotions are really good at overriding that knowledge. In summary, I identify as a morbidly obese person, even though I’m not. And this is an issue I’ve struggled with for most of my life, even as a child.
I hope all of this makes some kind of sense (if it does, maybe you should explain it back to me?!?).
Transparency in the shame realm: I feel this in other areas of my life as well. One that comes quickly to mind is finances. I’ve been debt of some sort since I was 18. This isn’t something I learned from my parents, BTW. 20+ years later, it’s only gotten worse. I’ve had short periods of time when it’s been lower than average, but in general it’s well in the thousands. Student loans are the majority, but I own my car and rent my apartment so all the rest is unsecured. I’m trying to shave off costs, which is a constant process because expenses come up and others fall off. (PS yes, I have most likely read whatever book or looked into whatever resource you’re thinking of suggesting).
Back to the original topic. I am filling my Pinterest boards with recipes that are lower calorie versions of what I like. (Suggestions are welcome – but I do not like fish, mushrooms, eggs, & artificial sweeteners. User name is tammyk7777 – note the 4 7’s). Some of which I am excited to try starting Monday! I start the next phase of the HCG protocol then, which means no more shots, more calories, larger list of foods, and I can exercise! Too much physical activity right now leaves me lightheaded, lack of calories will do that to a person! Difficult to believe it has already been 45 days on this journey, maybe the brain fog has been beneficial?!?
Before and after pics coming in a few days!!
Bragging on the Lord 