Mid-October 2022

Enough. Enough of lethargy. The cliché about being tired of being tired echoes loud in my head. That’s where I find myself. It’s not a frustrated exhaustion of life or circumstances, I think. It’s a physical fatigue. I’m just tired. I’m not sad or without hope. I just want to sleep. MS sucks. Chronic pain sucks.

*BRAKES SQUEAL*

Pity party of 1 – this is your stop. Get off.

I want to express how I feel, maybe as an excuse. An excuse for not living up to expectations. Not someone else’s expectations of me, rather of expectations I have on myself in my little movie that repeats in my mind. I’m learning to stop “should-ing” myself. You know, I should have done this or that or I should be this or that. Somedays I have to remind myself of grace and know that it’s ok to just be.

I get so buried under the self-pity that I don’t think I can get out. Or that I even think I want to.

My Father God lifts my head and tells me to look at Him. To follow Him. Maybe see the horizon ahead, but to focus on Him. Dwell on Truth. What is Truth? God is God. Jesus is Lord. He’s still on His throne and the enemy is still defeated. I am a child of this King and I am spending eternity with Him, even now. And He is Good.

Arms and heart wide open, Lord have Your way in me.

What’s next on this adventure we’re walking? You’re not done with me, You have me on this side of Heaven for a reason. But even as I say that You whisper to just focus on You. Not on what I’m ‘supposed’ to do or even what my ‘call’ is. I’m not a worker bee just here to get a job accomplished. I am the apple of Your eye.

Lift my head! Hook Your finger under my downcast chin and draw my eyes back to Yours. I don’t need to worry about the steps because You are guiding me. You are leading this dance. I trust You.